Dipo Tepede.POeT

Ada dear, i went through your story and was glad for you that these issues came up now, i always believe that the stone you see coming will not blind your eyes!like some of those that added their comment said, i am sure the way you presented the issues was not diplomatic and with his kind of temperament..that is if i judge from what he said, then you should have expected that kind of outburst.My advice is, call him and make him see things your way , parents will always be parents and will want to hold on to their children in everyway possible but its your duty to build bridges by putting your people in a good light before him and doing same for him before your people.Know that this is your walk and it must be a prayer walk as you are the favor he has found so pls prove to be just that..pray about everything and anything..its only God that can change a man and make him what He wants him to be for you and its God that will also work in you both to do of His will and His good pleasure.So please work at it, i have been married for over 5 years and i had your kind of issues, but more from his side, i knew then if i had told my mum, some of the issues raised, she would have been afraid for me and even had grudges for my in-laws..who i call in-love as its love that binds us together and not law!but i kept it and presented them well , my husband also kept some of their comments from me, but we prayed as the issues came and God intervened.,and today, i am the apple of my in-love eyes and i have received so much love from them but if i had not handled things well, only God knows what would have been the conclusion of the matter.so dearie take am easy as no be everything eyes see mouth dey talk especially in marriage and to outsiders!Keep us posted.Biddy

I've just accidentaly stumbled on this blog and read Ada's story, I've also read the comments in response to her story. I'm not surprised that most of the comments have come from male and I have to say though I may be wrong but it's very one sided. While I do not know how Ada must have presented her family's concern to Gozie, under any circumstances, I don't believe she got the right response from a husband to be. She quotes «He narrated all the things he's done to prove his love to me saying
that he has given "150% of himself and if that's not enough my family
should find someone for me to marry". Then he dropped the phone...» What kind of love is this? that keeps a record of all he's done throws it back in his fiancee's face? disrespects her familyand her?
When I was courting my husband, I did let him know that my family's consent to our relationship matters to me and because of this he consulted my parents and my pastor for my hand in marriage, this more than anything filled me with admiration and respect for him. In the course of our relationship, we've had one or two issues with my family but like the wise man he is, he has dealt with it in wisdom. Where my folks were overstepping their mark, we stated to them firmly how far they're or not allowed to go but even in the course of this, he never disrepected them to their face or behind their back. My advice to Ada would be to step very carefully, thank God you know this about your fiance before going into marriage, marriage is a scared thing and should be entered into with much care. Both people need lots of wisdom and understanding plus God's guidiance. Your fiance should respect your family and treat them with respect and wisdom, this is part of what shows you that he respect you and appreciates where you come from. You should respect his family likewise. Although at the end of the day, marriage is about the two of you but I can assure you, it will be much blessings if both families can be part of your lives. As others have adviced, it is your responsibility to show your family the good in your man and always fight his corner but I'll say if people around you are seeing things about your relationship that may lead to problems in the future, I will advice you to take heed, be prayerful and commit all things to God to guide you

@ deola
nice take..the last love language u forgot is physical touch.
@ dipo
thanks for the ipod.thanks for doing what you do.

Great job Dipo, Great job. Thanks to Ada also for bringing the issue up. It shouldnt be money, money, money all the time.

The first time I visited my Pastor some years back with my wife (then fiancee), my Pastor did a nince counselling but made a statement which I felt was harsh then. He advised us not to get married if during the period of courteship we discover that we are not compatible. The opportunity for courteship, according to him, was not allowed during their days. People were made to get married «blindly». You get to know your partner only when you are living together. Thank God for reformation in the christain kingdom.

Love conquers all. Agreed. Do not get married thinking that you will change your partner somewhere along the line. If you so much love someone to the extent of getting married, you should also be able to accommodate his shortcomings. You may not be able to get a perfect man or woman. Human beings are created differently and behave differently. No two human beings are the same . But with love and Christ so many shortcomings are no longer seen as such but as motivators in the relationship.

Ada, that guy do not have any problem unless there are other things not disclosed. You may not even know his family's opinion about you which he is battling to handle. When you eventually get married, which you will, do not let your family run your home. Their opinions are important though. Protect your partner as much as possible. Tell whoever cares to listen that he is the best man on earth and treat him as such. Cover his shortcomings but find a suitable time to discuss issues with him privately. You have to discover his best time to discuss. We will discuss later.

@Emeka,
I needed to say it at least to point to the fact that i am not an authority in the issue being single atm and may have been off the point in my comments.
Yea! it will soon materialize.

great job dipo has done there, but i will like to add a few other things;

1. wise men learn when they can, it is fools that wait till they must. it is therefore a wise decision to learn very well about him and your families as well, before full blast marriage
2. you have both kave to learn how to fight successfully. there is the need to establish rules of engagement, especially before times and points of disagreements. i know a couple who admits fighting at least once a month ( i mean WWF fighting) but they have, at no time had issues of i hate you, or
packing out. they must sleep on the same bed bed that night, must not keep malice, no matter what....
they are still married with two kids. i knew them 6 yrs ago b4 marriage.

3. very quickly buy, borrow, or hire «five love languages» by gary chapman- it may save you. i didn't write the book, but it points out a very salient point that may be an issue. the writer believes that every man/woman have their own love language, and they expreess love and expect love in that language. it does not matter what you do to them you are not expressing love, if you do not speak their language.
my fiancees language is quality time, it does not matter the amount of gifts, if i do not spend time with her, gisting, playing, i'm not demonstarting love. though my language is acts of service, and for me time is expensive, but i still have to do it. for me when we do things together, she is showing love even if she says i love you 20 times a day. i guess you should check that out. the five groups of language are;-
a. quality time
b. words of affirmation
c. acts of service
d. gifts
...can't remember the last ( but i tried)
when he bursts like that he may be speaking from a frustrated state, or emptiness of affection ( i mean in his love language) and not from yours, when you give and give into a relationship without replenishment or recieving, it may resilt in despair.

i am also introverted, but you wont like to see me when i'm being cheated, frustrated or annoyed..was i pretending?...no. but i gotta stand up for myself, anyday.
imagine, if your language is to do things for him (acts of service), and his language is words that encourage you...is he wicked?. think. though i'm not being biased, i just need to point out things you might be missing

4. did he know the family before he knew you?
remember it is you both against your families , and not you and your family against him. he is probably saying that he's marrying you and not the family. the battle is on wher your loyalty lies, with him or your family- it's important. the man showing himselg to the family is always a formal event, but if it is in family/in-law relationship, the next point

5. i will not say you should not respect culture or tradition, but they have a way of over-bloating things...and they may be right at times. therefore your mode of presentation of the issue is important. Stand beside him and show him how to relate with your families and why it is important.

6. at every point try to see things from other person's view, what is he seeing?, why does he say that everytime?, what led to it?.. they may be too important.

7. Gen 24:54 Rebekkah's family were overjoyed when Eliaza came to pick her as the husband of isaac, eliaza stopped them and made it clear that the woman must decide herself if she wants to go. the ball is in your court.
8. one last point, if the reverse case happened, i mean his family is doing/saying the same thing to you, will you sell yourself to them or you will expect him to stand up for you.
these are the few things i have to say from my view, my relationship is cross cultural, she's ibo. we've not had a single disagreement in 3 yrs of courtship, though there are still challenges ahead, but we are both planning aw to deal with issues together. it's not his business, it's yours too.

all da best

@ royal_prince
haha..royal_prince is still single oh!not to worry it will soon come!lol.

quite a piece.

i understand the issues you raised but shd'nt go zie be a bit sensitive of the lady's familys ideals. it appears the piece was very one sided though it is down to earth.

balogun

@Dipo,
your take is well in other. I have learnt some stuffs from ur analysis of the marriages of the partriachs

@My Sis,
i believe the way you communicated the issue to ur fiance made the the difference and may have ilicited that kind of reaction.
Not attempting to rehearse some of the salient points Dipo made, I wish to add that:
It is instructive that ur family's reservation didn't bother on morality ( i mean character) but on personality (attitude). Although both are very crucial but i rate character higher than attitude. Attitude can be faked but not character. I believe u may have heard/see men with charming personaility who can spark up any room they enter but marriage goes beyond that.
Advise: you can help him work on his personality (attitude). Instead of reporting your family reservation to him probably in a critical manner, you can narrate to him how perculiar a personality he was in the eyes of your family. Let me explain: something like: «my mum or dad or siblings said it seems u are an introvert and don't like mixing up freely with people and i told them not really, u do but not as freely as myself (urself)». or something like, «when will u come over to meet my parents to make u intentions known?» Concerning ur sister's reservation, u can go comical on it: «my elder sis said u are an «ajebota», a mumy's pet and i told her nooo! that u are hard working, she shouldn't mind you physic.
You owe him the responsiblity of selling his person to ur family. Always counter or address their reservations and later narate it to him in a very subtile manner. There are things he may not be at home with and can not freely do for now. But as you continue stand up for him, with time he will begin to prove to them that all u have been telling them in defense of him are actually true.
Over here in my culture and also the church where i worship, it is the proposal first (after consulting with GOD) and later both of them can arrange on when to meet both parents for their consent. Some do this arrangement with the consent and directives of the church where they worship.
Of course each should have hinted their parents of this before hand.
Please heed Dipo's counsel unless there is more to him than you have shared with us.

Wish u God's favour and guidance in all u do.

I am still single O!...lol

Luv U!

@ dipo
a radical depature from «money talks articles».
@ all,
the issue of marriage remains a very sensitive one.after the personal decision of salvation,another decision one would ever make in life is the choice of a marriage partner.the former has to do with a relationship with God while the latter has to do with the relationship with one's helper-wife.it takes seeing through the eyes of the Spirit to find cos he that finds a wife finds a good thing.
nice take dipo.